i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
