i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
