I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
