I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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