She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
