matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize