Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
