every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
