your parents love me but you hate me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
