i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
