My nipple is on Facebook.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
me + whiskey = a bad person
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
