Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
