Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
