can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
