my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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