So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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