the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
