so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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