Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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