I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You took a bar mat shot.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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