Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
