I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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