I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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