It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
