If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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