Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
