i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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