You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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