Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
