I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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