K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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