I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
