So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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