Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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