Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
