theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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