Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize