One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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