dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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