I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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