Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
