If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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