Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
