Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
