He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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