i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Congratulations! We have a period
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
