Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
