I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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