He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
