remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i wish my penis had a tongue
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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