i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
