I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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