Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
