think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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