Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just found puke in my bra..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
