Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
