I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
handjob tips. give me some.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
