pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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