well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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