this beer tastes like vomit already
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
