I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize