The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
