I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
