I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
