i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize