Sry I called you an 8
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
