life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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