tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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