I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
