I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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